


a television version of a person with a broken heart

by sandyk



Category: Superstore (TV)
Genre: F/M, amy has sex with other guuys, post tornado
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 17:45:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12194703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandyk/pseuds/sandyk
Summary: Amy gets a divorce, and a journal and gets her groove back.





	a television version of a person with a broken heart

**Author's Note:**

> For the trope bingo square: bets/wagers. The two self help books are Heather Havrilesky's How To Be A Person and Cheryl Strayed's tiny, beautiful things. I don't know if they have an actual store in St. Louis, but all the journal stuff was based on the etsy store Stinson Paper Company. I have never gotten to level 10 of mah jongg con, like, best I've done is 7. Title from the National's Pink Rabbits.

Amy never took creative writing classes in her college courses because they were completely impractical, she wasn't getting a job from one of those. She also had a healthy fear of some kind of cliched awful moment when her professor challenged her to really dream and she was writing about the real Amelia Sosa. Before Jonah and after Jonah, Amy was afraid of revelation. Meeting Jonah didn't change anything, even his stupid beautiful stars. It was Jonah combined with Cheyenne accepting Bo's proposal, falling lockstep into all of Amy's mistakes.

Amy calling them mistakes was a revelation she refused to dwell on.

Amy thought if she just pulled Cheyenne far enough off track, it would be like getting her own life fixed somehow. Which was so stupid.

Jonah was an irritating asshole and, in retrospect, crazy. You had to be off somehow to just get in your car and run away. That's why Amy had never done it. It was horrifying, actually, she finally met someone who lived her favorite daydream, getting in the car and driving and he still ended up at Cloud 9. In Amy's daydream version she was driving away from the store, Emma asleep in the backseat. Emma was always asleep, if she were awake she would ask questions and then it wasn't a daydream. It was just a horrible nutty idea.

Jonah was nuts. He was cheerful, like happy and positive.

Amy's favorite daydream after she found out what a massive mess Jonah had made of her old daydream was having sex with Jonah.

Emma insisted on sleeping in Amy's bed a lot lately. It had been just Amy's bed for months and months, now it was officially. Officially for 7 days. The night of the tornado when Amy could not fall asleep and every time she closed her eyes she was back in that damn pharmacy, things were falling all around her and she had thought for one moment how much she hated the idea of dying as Adam's wife, then she had heard Jonah, just actually heard him. It came back to her every time she closed her eyes so she couldn't sleep. She had gone down to the basement and told Adam they had to be done. There was nothing left to try, there was no more reason to try. There was nothing.

Adam had said she sounded hysterical and she'd said, "But am I wrong?"

When he'd said "No," she could go upstairs and sleep.

Neither of them could afford a lawyer. Amy thought about Dina's cousin in Arkansas. She actually called Dina's cousin in Arkansas. The woman sounded nothing like Dina at all. She was pleasant and helpful. Amy started out making sure Dina's cousin knew Amy and Adam had no money, really, at all. Dina's cousin said that didn't make anything easier, not emotionally.

Amy was really wondering if Dina and Dina's cousin were actually related by blood, but apparently they were. You could tell in the picture on Dina's cousin website.

Adam moved out. He just told her, the next day everything of him was gone. He'd only found a crappy part-time job thanks to his father, and his parents were taking care of a lot of his bills. They'd paid the deposit for the apartment. Amy said, "What about the mortgage? You were helping with the mortgage. I can't do it on my own."

"I think you can," Adam said. 

She should have punched him in the dick. The only way Amy could afford the mortgage after Cloud 9 put her on 50% pay until the store was rebuilt was to cancel her fall university classes and take a second job. A shitty waitress job at her second cousin's restaurant. Adam's parents got him a job at an insurance company, Amy ended up wearing a damn skirt and heels.

The marriage counselor had suggested they keep journals. Write down their feelings and get them out. Amy had halfheartedly browsed the journals at Cloud 9 until, of course, Jonah came up to her and insisted he knew a store where she could get a better, more personal, journal. She went with him after work because it sounded like fun. Things with Jonah were fun. They had been.

Jonah kept a dream journal. "Someone advised it was a good idea and I've been doing it a while. I write my dreams down if I remember, it's not my dreams like I dream of climbing a mountain. The trick is doing it the minute you wake up."

"Was the person who advised you a mental health professional?" Amy picked up a journal with abstract foxes frolicking on it. She thought they were foxes. She could write in that one, she'd thought.

"Possibly," Jonah said.

"After you were gambling too much," Amy said. She put down the foxes and picked up one with a string tied around it and simple line drawing of an elephant on it.

"Nailed it," Jonah mumbled. "But it's interesting. Keeping track of your dreams."

"Is it really?" Amy decided on the elephant.

"You also need a nice pen," Jonah said, steering her towards that display. "And yes, it is interesting. Mostly, it's funny, because I do it as soon as a I wake up and I haven't turned on the lights and my handwriting is horrendous and it's just, like, run run shark repeated 10 times."

Amy had laughed at that one.

Adam hadn't even bothered to buy a journal. Amy had written endless variations of I can't take this, I'm so done with this, I hate this, I am very angry over and over again, the words pressed down so hard they were almost visible on the next page.

In her second week at the restaurant, Jonah walked in. She hadn't talked to him in any way shape or form since the tornado. Two days after the tornado, when she'd started to warm herself up to maybe calling him, Adam had yelled at her for giving up. For not trying enough. "You just want to be with Jonah, I bet."

"I gave up? I didn't try?" She'd yelled at him for everything he'd done wrong, he yelled at her. "I never fucking cheated on you," she'd said.

So it had been over three weeks since she'd seen Jonah and there he was in a Bowdoin College t-shirt and jeans, with a messenger bag. He'd smiled like he wasn't even upset she'd basically ghosted him.

Jonah said, "So you work here?" She walked him to his table.

"Yup, who told you?"

"No one," Jonah said. "I eat here sometimes. Do you want me to go?"

"No, I bet you tip well," Amy said.

He ordered after glancing at the menu like he had to prove he really did come to the restaurant often. She put in the order and moved on to her next table. When she looked over at him, because she couldn't break the habit of checking in on Jonah, he was reading a hardback book while eating chips. Of course Jonah went to restaurants by himself and read books at the table. Of course he did. She wanted to punch him.

She brought out his food and put it on the table as he pushed his book aside. He said, "It's good to see you, Amy. Are you taking any classes this summer?"

She almost burst into tears. Instead she said, "No."

Jonah said, "Hey, you want to sit down? Can you do that, you seem like you might want to sit down."

She rubbed her eyes and sat down at his table. She was working for family, they probably wouldn't fire her. She said, "I'm not taking any classes. Maybe ever again. I don't know. Adam moved and his parents are paying for his damn apartment but no one's helping me with the mortgage because my parents don't have that kind of money. So I can't afford classes and I don't know that I can even stop working here when Cloud 9 is back because apparently everything is my responsibility. Every little thing." Her voice broke and she wanted to punch herself in the face.

"That sucks a lot," Jonah said, very sincerely. He was always so sincere. She hated him. She still maybe wanted to have sex with him.

Jonah said, "Okay, you're going to say no. And there's no strings attached with this, you wouldn't owe me anything, but I can pay for, like, your classes. You shouldn't have to give that up because Adam's, whatever."

"No," Amy said. "You can't just give me $500. You can't. Adam already thinks we were having an affair."

"We weren't," Jonah said. "Not at all."

"Duh," Amy said. "But if he knew you gave me money then it would, he would feel like he was right and maybe he'd actually make an effort to screw me over instead of right now, when he's screwing me over because he just doesn't think about anything."

"Say someone else gave you the money. Or not, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I just want to help so you're not nearly crying over baleadas con todo," Jonah said. "I can buy another painting from you dad for $500 so he has the money to give you. Also I could leave you a huge tip and you can say it was some asshole at the restaurant hitting on you and you just laughed in his face."

She closed her eyes and said, "Okay." 

She stood up and went back to work. Then she went home and got into bed, rubbing her feet. She took out her journal for the first time in a while. She wrote I'm so tired over and over again and it didn't make her feel better. 

The very next day she got a package, and Emma loomed over her, wondering what it was. "Who sends you packages?"

"I don't know, honey," Amy said. Jonah had sent her two books, freaking advice books, and as she flipped through one of them, she saw 500 dollars shoved in like a bookmark. She closed the book quickly. "I think it's from my cousin Lucy. She's not really my cousin. She lives in Kansas City and she just kind of randomly sends me gifts."

Amy went on a date. Adam had already gone on two, like he needed his new apartment and yelling at her to get his libido back. Amy went out with Chester from the restaurant because Adam had gone out on two dates. She sat across from Chester at a Chinese restaurant and thought about Jonah. She couldn't go out with Jonah. She wasn't ready to date or be with someone else besides Adam. But she couldn't use her up her confusion and mourning on Jonah, they'd never last if she did that. So she went out with Chester and laughed at his jokes and made out with him in his car. 

Chester was a good kisser. He kept checking with her as he touched her breasts and moved his hand between her legs. She liked it a lot. Losing her virginity had been something to get over and get done, she'd been thinking of Chester the same way. But this actually felt good. She even grabbed his butt and squeezed. He smelled good and clean.

Adam told her that he knew she'd make everything work out since she clearly was, since Emma had told him Amy was still going to her college classes. She wanted to scream at him, again. She wrote in her elephant book that she hated Adam and wrote it again and again and again. 

She was so keyed up from her classes, her awful waitress work, Adam being a complete shit, she actually opened one of the stupid advice books Jonah sent. 

A night later, she got a little drunk after work and had sex with Chester in the break room at the restaurant after everyone had left. She felt so good and she was wet and she wanted him. Specifically Chester. She said, "Condom, you have to use a condom." Chester just nodded and got one, put it on. Amy should have said that a long time ago. She should have said it to Adam. Then she wouldn't have Emma so no she shouldn't have. She spread her legs and then Chester pushed inside her. It almost hurt at first, she'd hadn't done this in forever. She relaxed and let her mind go blank. Nothing but the feel of him, his smooth bare butt under her hands. Then it didn't hurt at all and she even came.

He was a nice guy. His family were all from Peru and he had a gorgeous tattoo of a bird on his shoulder. He made her feel pretty. It was so nice having sex with someone who wasn't tired of her. Then she went to the bathroom, pulled down her stupid skirt and started locking up. Chester kissed her cheek as he headed out. 

Amy sat down at the table where Jonah had been. She texted him. 

'Hey you'

He replied almost immediately. Of course he did.

'Hey how are classes????"

'Don't worry i've been studying hard'

'I'm not worried you're smart you probably can get As with very little studying'

She felt like crying. She shouldn't have had sex with anyone. She'd used Chester. She was hoping Adam would hear about it. She sighed. 

She texted: 'sorry, gotta go talk to you later'

He sent her a smiley face. 

Amy ran into one of the professors who taught night classes. She'd gone to highschool with him. She said, "Yeah, I'm a student, you're a teacher."

"You're still prettier than Renee," Mario said.

"That's so sweet of you to say," Amy said. They went to get coffee and talked about high school and people they'd known and he had the same bright smile she remembered. But so much less acne.

He invited her to his apartment and she went. When they got inside, she tugged at his shirt and pulled him towards the couch. "This is what we're doing, right?"

He said, "Yeah, definitely."

"As long as you have a condom," Amy said.

Mario was in great shape, like six pack great shape. Amy was a little embarrassed by her soft belly and stretchmarks. Mario didn't seem to give a damn. He was eager to show off, she thought. He went down on her, he worked hard to make her come. It had been literal years since someone went down on her, so at first she was embarrassed and giggling. She cleared her mind again and let herself feel it and she did come. She put the condom on Mario and he fucked her in a steady rhythm. It was good, she wanted good.

She cleaned up in his bathroom and said she had to go home. "My ex has my daughter but I'm doing the breakfast shift at the restaurant, so I need my sleep."

Mario said, "We could do this again, if you want."

"Maybe. This was great, though, I'm just, you know, wooo, just divorced. I'm sorry."

"No, totally," Mario said.

Her sister came by after her shift at the restaurant. They went somewhere else for lunch. Amy said, "Can you actually keep a secret? I mean it, no telling anyone, Isa, seriously."

"I promise," Isa said.

"I am so so broke, Adam isn't helping with the mortgage at all, the only way I could afford my classes this time was because some crazy customer left me a huge tip because he was hitting on me and I laughed in his face and also I've had sex with two different guys," Amy said. Then she stuffed her mouth with salad.

"Was it good sex? Also, Adam not helping with mortgage is, like, illegal, I think," Isa said.

"It was good, they were both good. Adam made sure I knew he was dating, so I went out on a date and then I ran into this guy from high school --"

"Which guy?"

"Mario," Amy said. "I don't think you knew him. He teaches now, he's an adjunct professor."

"Unlike Adam who is a loser," Isa said.

"He's not a loser," Amy said. "He's Emma's father."

"Whatever, he's a whiny ass. I'm allowed to say that because I'm not you. He sucks. And he should be paying on the mortgage, why is that all on you? Also, wait, really, someone tipped you $500?" Isa dipped her bread in her soup. She just gobbled up the bread because Isa was never one for dainty eating.

"They really did," Amy said. "What do you mean, illegal?"

"Illegal, his name's on the damn mortgage. Just like yours. His parents want to pay for his damn apartment, they can throw you a few hundred a month, too," Isa said. "Call that divorce lawyer."

"I can't afford that divorce lawyer," Amy said.

"You're family, or, like a friend of a family member," Isa said.

Amy called Dina's cousin again. The woman was livid. She said, "We're going to send him and his parents an angry letter. An angry letter on my letterhead."

"I can't afford that," Amy said.

"I don't care, we're calling this pro bono. Let's do a call tomorrow, and go over what you want from this ending." Dina's cousin paused. She said, "It's an ending. You don't have to win the relationship anymore, or make it work. You don't have to figure out what went wrong, because it's wrong and done."

"I know," Amy said. "I do know."

They actually had a good talk. All Amy really wanted was only having to deal with half of their debt, and only having to pay half the mortgage and everyone getting along so Emma was approaching okay. "You shouldn't have any problem with this, no need for lawyers. Once he gets over his idiocy."

Amy wrote in her journal again, this time a gleeful imagining of the look on Adam's face when he got that letter. She even drew a crude sketch. 

It took a week for everything to get worked out. Adam stopped being an asshole, mostly. They split their debt and agreed to each pay half of the mortgage until they sold the house. Adam wanted to start on improvements, he said he'd been watching a lot of HGTV. Amy frowned and said they should actually meet with an agent and have the place appraised so they could figure out what actually needed to be done.

Dealing with Emma was the easiest part, they both wanted her and they both wanted Emma to have each other in her life.

Amy signed up on OKCupid. Isa said she should do Tinder and Amy said, "When I go back to Cloud 9, I do not want to know who I work with is on Tinder. Or gross random customers."

She waded through a bunch of initial responses, it was like diving in a sewer of racist xenophobes. But there were a few guys. She tried to be clear she just wanted something casual. She was in no place to commit. She didn't even know how to get to that place.

Her first date actually went well. A nice guy her age who worked for a bank, he made her laugh. He said he felt too young to settle down. Then he said, "Sorry, I didn't mean --"

"No, I know, I settled down way too young. And it was good, things were good, parts of it were good. But yeah, I know exactly how you feel. I feel too young and too old at the exact same time," she said. She needed to stop using dates for therapy, she thought. She smiled like she was joking, casually. She was super casual.

They scheduled a second date and after that one she went with him to his apartment. She held up her hand, one finger up. She said, "Condom." Two fingers up. "No exclusivity here."

"Got it," he said.

It was basically the best sex she'd ever had. Some guy she barely knew, on his couch, and she felt like something out of a porno because she could not believe she could come that hard more than once.

She came out of the bathroom looking for her clothes and said, "We should do that again."

"Yeah, yeah, I am in favor of that." For a minute bank guy sounded just like Jonah somehow.

The next day, she texted Jonah again. 'You just never text'

Jonah immediately replied with 'new phone who dis?'

'You think you're funny'

'People think I'm funny'

'People think you're funny to look at'

'Is there any chance we could have this conversation in person?'

She stared at a phone and tried to think of a reason not to. She texted 'come by the restaurant, i get off at 2pm'

Amy tried not to smile too much when she saw Jonah. He waved as he saw her waiting on the street outside the restaurant. He even had a little bounce and skip in his step as he got close to her. She said, "I was thinking, um, maybe we could go to that journal store? I thought maybe it would be good for Emma."

"Oh, absolutely. I bet she'll love that. Just, you know, no reading it," Jonah said. She got in his car.

"I wouldn't," Amy said. "I want her to have someone to talk to but I tried to mention the guidance counselor and she looked at me like I'd tried to set her on fire. Last night she asked me, she said since Dad and I were dating so much so soon, did we ever love each other?"

Jonah winced and said, "Ouch. Have you really been dating that much?"

"Three guys," Amy said. "I'm on Okcupid. I don't know how many dates Adam has been on. Probably more."

"Amy getting her groove back," Jonah said, oozing awkward.

"Sorry," she said. "I told Emma, I said I'd never loved anyone like I'd loved her dad. He was a good guy and a good father and I always thought he was so attractive. But things go wrong and none of it had to do with her. So hopefully that helped a little?"

"Maybe, um," Jonah said. "Didn't you say Emma really loved your sister? Maybe she could talk to her. Not some awful guidance counselor, but like, her aunt she loves."

"That's a good idea," Amy said. "She can definitely complain about me to Isa, Isa will agree with her. Though Isa hates Adam."

"It can be really damaging for kids when their parents talk badly about each other --"

"Yes, Jonah, I know, I read the books you sent me to camouflage your money," Amy said. "I know."

"I love those books," Jonah said. "I have a very sad love for advice columns. Dear Prudie has gotten really good lately, now that it's a new person. It's about applying these principles of boundaries and standing up for yourself."

"You have a lot of problems standing up for yourself?" Amy smiled.

"Sometimes," Jonah said.

They were at the journal store. Amy browsed and Jonah brought over ones he thought Emma might like. He had a good eye. She found one of her own and picked up a giraffe journal like her elephant one for when she filled up the elephant. Jonah came over with 3 pens. "These are pretty and purple. Actually this one has glitter."

"Good choice," Amy said, taking all three.

"Do you use yours?"

"I do," Amy said. "Not really well. It's more like a Simpsons blackboard gag, sort of, I tend to just write the same phrases over and over again."

"But still cathartic, right?" Jonah smiled at her. "I saw you bought a replacement."

"Cathartic, sure," Amy said.

They got back in his car and he turned it on and looked at her. "Back to the restaurant?"

"How about your apartment?" Amy said it before she could think twice or even once. She was doing everything wrong.

But they were at his apartment and he walked up with her. "There's no elevator which is probably illegal. Or this one is grandfathered in, pre-ADA, I guess."

He lived on the fifth floor. She said, "Did you carry all your furniture up?"

"No," Jonah said. "Paid for delivery. Also, I can never have Garrett over. So when we hang out it's always at his place which isn't so bad, because his neighbors are really fun."

"Are they really pretty?"

"No, they secretly grow their own pot and give it out like it's candy. It's great pot. I shouldn't admit that, should I?"

Amy smiled. "I've gotten high. The last time was me and Adam and his asshole cousin when Emma was 5, but I've gotten high."

"Hang out at Garrett's," Jonah said. "If you want to get high. Or just want to hang out with Garrett. One time, Brett was there which was weird. But that guy will kill you in any first person shooter game."

They were on the fifth floor. Amy said, "And we'll see everybody in a week. Hopefully Brett. I'm sure they'll find him and he'll be fine."

"I'm sure," Jonah said.

It was a really nice apartment. The furniture was quietly expensive. Amy pressed her hands against her stomach, she was about to throw up in panic. Then Jonah said, "Do you want a glass of water? Or lemonade? I have tea and coffee --"

All of Amy's panic went away. She turned around and said, "Right, right." She stood in front of him and smoothed her hands down his chest. Now he looked panicked.

"Hey, Amy. So this is --"

She kissed him to shut him up. Because she wanted to kiss him again and it didn't remind her of the tornado, it just turned her on. He was a good kisser with soft lips. It made her smile against his lips. His hands tightened on her waist and he was pulling her even closer. She could feel that he was getting hard and she was getting hotter. "Jonah," she said.

His hands were already up under her shirt, soft hands against her skin. She was whimpering. She just wanted him so much.

She knew she had to stop. She stepped back a little but put her hands around his shoulders. She said, "We can't. I'm sorry."

"We can't what?" He closed his eyes. "Why not?"

"I'm not ready," she said. She couldn't quite let go of him. It was Jonah. She said, "I just got divorced. I can do casual, I can only do casual, and you're not casual."

"No chance I could be casual," Jonah said, sounding defeated.

"I'm sorry," Amy said. "I'm sorry."

He said, "I love you."

She couldn't breathe. She said, "I don't want, I have to go. I'm sorry." She pushed herself off him and grabbed her bag and phone.

She called an Uber as she went down the 500 steps. She shouldn't have gone with him, she shouldn't have. She would just ruin it, she would ruin it because she was barely holding it together. She wasn't great at casual dating, she was definitely going to screw everything up if she tried to be with Jonah. She would ruin it and she loved him. Now he would go on and meet someone who wasn't a new divorcee who sucked at change. She was thinking of one of the books Jonah sent, something about a ship with her other life. Other choices she could have made. 

She didn't cry until she got home so that was something to be proud of. 

!!

She started writing in her giraffe journal. She wrote out a bet with herself every day. Sometimes more than one. 

_I bet the first day at work will suck._

After Glenn welcomed all of them back, while Amy was looking around for Jonah, Glenn said, "Sadly, our beloved Jonah told me a few days ago he didn't think he could come back to here after the destruction, it would make him too anxious, so he transferred to the Kirkwood store. I know we wish him well." Glenn sniffled a little. He really did love Jonah. 

Now everyone was looking at Amy, of course. Once they actually started working, it seemed like half the store came up to Amy to ask her if she'd gotten back together with her husband since that had to be the reason Jonah transferred. She said, over and over again, "Not that it's your business, but I am getting a divorce, and is it so hard to believe Jonah would be super sensitive?"

Garrett rolled over to her and she started saying it again. "No need," Garrett said. "I already know what happened, Jonah told me."

"What did he tell you?"

"You're getting your groove back and dating, but you only feel comfortable being casual with your dating and therefore you preemptively dumped Jonah who was really sad and decided to transfer. Also, he blocked you on Facebook, Instagram and all your texts."

"Okay," Amy said. She took a deep breath. If Garrett said one more thing, she was almost certainly going to cry.

Garrett said, "You want to sit on the floor here and take a quick break?"

"Okay," Amy said. She covered her face. Someone walked up and Garrett sassed them then they walked away. Amy said, "Fun first day."

"Not at all," Garrett said. "Hey, not that you care, but I think you made the right decision. Not the part where you two made out, but yeah, you're probably not ready for a serious relationship."

"He's cute," Amy said. "Please don't tell him I was upset."

"Nah, don't worry. Jonah already made me swear I wouldn't tell him a thing about you. He's going Amy cold turkey."

"That makes sense," Amy said.

She drove home and literally crawled into her bed. She was actually crying, which was just stupid. But Jonah was going to find someone wonderful. He was going to be a ship that passed her by. Which is about what she deserved.

She was half asleep when Emma came into the bedroom and got on the bed with her. Emma said, "Are you okay, Mom?"

"I'm just sad," Amy said. She believed she should tell Emma the truth except when the truth reflected badly on Adam. Amy said, "It's sad, not being married."

Emma laid down next to her. She said, "The counselor at school says things start to feel better."

"Did you actually go to her?"

"Him, Mom. And I just went the once because they made me. But I thought you might like hearing it."

"I like hearing it from you," Amy said. "It's not your job, though, making me feel better."

"So what? Sometimes I want to do it," Emma said.

_I bet I can ruin Emma's life._

_I bet I will never be in love again._

She knew she was being overly negative. But the giraffe on the cover just kept looking somewhere to the left. "So non-judgmental," she said. "Thanks, Giraffe."

Half the store tried to set her up. She ignored the ones who tried to set her up with Jonah. Oddly, Mateo and Dina had the best prospects. She liked those two guys. She went out with a few OKCupid guys. She only had sex with the guy Mateo set her up with, but her run of good sex was going great.

She stopped dating. She kept having sex with Mario and Bank guy because she liked amazing orgasms. She called Bank guy Banksy once and he loved it so now she'd almost forgotten his actual name. Sometimes the sex was so great, she forgot how to move.

She was talking with Isa at the restaurant she still worked at, once a week now though. She said, "I don't know, maybe Adam was just bad at sex?"

"I wouldn't be surprised," Isa said. "Maybe you were bad at sex, too. You were practically kids. You only had sex with each other."

"Yeah, darn me and my lack of infidelity," Amy said.

"I'm just saying," Isa said. "Also, women get better at sex as they get older."

"What's wrong with me?" Amy sighed. "I spent all this time dating and now I'm not even trying, I'm just having sex with these guys. Ugh. "

"You have to tell me where you found this rulebook of how the perfect divorced lady is supposed to behave," Isa said. "Did it come with the I'm the perfect older sister one?"

"I am a damn good older sister," Amy said. 

Isa shrugged. 

_I bet I'll keep just barely holding it together and when I snap it will be at work._

Mateo gleefully and spitefully shared that after only 6 weeks at Kirkwood, Jonah was shift supervisor. 

"He's been working at Cloud 9 for over a year," Amy said. 

"People are just dazzled by a college degree," Mateo said. "Is Bowdoin even a real school?"

"3rd best liberal arts college in the country, founded in 1794," Garrett said, reading off his phone. "Hey, the co-founder of Subway went there. Also in the last few years, lots of rape, some seriously racist parties. But Jonah had already graduated so we can't blame him. Unless Mateo wants to try it."

"Jonah's not that kind of bad person," Mateo said. "But I can't believe he's any good at shift supervisor."

"Not like you would be," Garrett said in that calm flat way that meant he was talking complete bullshit. 

"Exactly," Mateo said. 

"Then transfer to Kirkwood," Dina said. "Maybe they'll let you fight for it. You'd definitely win."

"Maybe I will," Mateo said. 

"Let's move on," Amy said. It's only been 7 weeks, but a third of the employees at this meeting never even met Jonah. 

She drove through the parking lot for the Kirkwood store once in a while. It wasn't on her way to anything. She'd only seen Jonah's car once. The Sierra Club sticker had been removed at some point. 

She drove home, her throat constricted and her chest pounding. 

_I bet I can't fix my life_

She stopped chilling with Mario. "I think I might take a class you're teaching next quarter."

"Or you're tired of me," Mario said. 

"No way," Amy said. "You think I'm prettier than Renee and you're pretty great at, um, oral."

"You, too," Mario said, clapping her on the shoulder. It was all incredibly awkward. 

She hang out with Garrett more at work, like they had before Jonah. "Still fucking a lot of guys?" Garrett didn't even look over at her. 

"Just one," Amy said. "I'm trying out just being me, not really dating, but the sex is so good, I can't give it up. I think I used to be really bad at sex."

"You mean Adam," Garrett said. "Glad you're getting your orgasms."

"So many," Amy said. "You wouldn't tell me if Jonah was seeing someone, right?"

"I absolutely would," Garrett said. "He was so sad and pathetic, I watched some horrifying black and white films with him. They were not film classics, Amy, they were pretentious bullshit. I wish he was seeing someone so I could tell you out of spite alone."

"How's he doing as shift supervisor?"

"He's too nice, I keep telling him, pretend you're Dina and you don't give a shit if these people like you. He's getting there," Garrett said. Then, he did look over at her. "So, you done being not ready yet?"

"No," Amy said. "It's been five months you know. I don't know the magic number of weeks that have to pass but I'm not there yet. Why do you care? It's not like Jonah's running back here when I flash the bat signal or something."

"He might," Garrett said. 

"I hope he doesn't. He should be happy." 

She had another amazing Sunday morning with Banksy. She said, "We've been doing this for, like, 4 months. Are you sure you don't want more? I mean are you seeing other people?"

"I am totally sure. Basically, I'm a super lazy guy. I get awesome sex once or twice a week, play world of Warcraft the other nights, it's like paradise." He had a goofy smile, but Amy liked it. 

He said, "You don't want more, do you?"

Amy shook her head. "I'm lazy, too."

Banksy broke up with her with a nice goodbye bang, 2 weeks later. "I met someone," he said.

"She is going to be very happy when you two have sex," Amy said.

"I hope so," Banksy said. "I hope you find someone cool, too."

Amy said thank you, but she thought _I bet I already met someone cool._

Maybe she'd ruined that. Maybe she should have jumped him. She sighed. She didn't drive to the Kirkwood store or to Jonah's apartment.

"I bet you're looking forward to next week," Dina said, leaning in too close. "Or are you dreading it?"

"Next week," Amy said. Then she said, "Oh, God. Right." Twice a year, Cloud 9 brought together all the assistant managers and shift supervisors in the whole state for a two day company bonding retreat. Also, interminable classes about union busting and loss prevention and exercises about leadership. Amy had managed to skip the last three, so she had to go to this one. It would be Jonah's first, so he's also have to go. He'd probably enjoy it. "Are you going?"

"Of course," Dina said. "Windermere this year, we're going to have paintball. I hope we're on the same team, I want someone on my team who can aim worth a crap."

Amy went over to find Garrett. "Hey, do you know if Jonah is going to the stupid Cloud 9 retreat?"

"Yes, he is. He's very nervous about it because he thinks you're going. Are you going?"

"Yes," Amy said.

"Good, I was supposed to ask you last week before he got his hair cut," Garrett said. "He still got his hair cut, just in case."

"I should get a haircut," Amy said.

"You should," Garrett said. "I'm telling Jonah you're super chill about seeing him. You're not even getting a haircut."

"We can't keep saying hair cut. I'm done," Amy said. 

She got a haircut, a full wax of her face and other regions, went to a really nice store to buy new panties and bras, packed her cutest outfits, and backup ones. She carefully packed so Dina wouldn't realize how much she packed. They were sharing a hotel room. Dina said, "Hang a sock on the door knob if you and Jonah hook up in there. I'll do the same if I find someone which is guaranteed to happen. It's basically a huge bang fest. Don't worry, I've done some research so we can both avoid the ones who say they're "not married" when they definitely are." 

"That's good," Amy said. "Good plan."

Amy drove because she really wanted to listen to music and not talk. Dina talked anyway, critiquing every song that came on and half the commercials. Finally Dina said, "So what are you going to do when you see Jonah? You dumped him, right? So you're in the power position."

"I didn't technically dump him, I told him I didn't think we should date because I'd just gotten divorced and I only felt capable of, of, like casual dating and I don't think Jonah and I could be casual and then it would all just fail and fall apart and that would be awful."

"As opposed to just not talking and never seeing him for nearly 5 months," Dina said. "Good move."

"That was his choice," Amy said. "He wanted space, you know, get over me. I would have worked with him. He chose to transfer and block me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and my phone number."

"He really just cut you off," Dina said. "But you're so mopey about it."

"We were really good friends, Dina," Amy said. 

"You were so in love with him, no wonder Adam dumped you," Dina said.

"I dumped Adam," Amy said. 

"Is he getting laid more than you? Because then he wins at the divorce," Dina said.

"That isn't true and I genuinely have no idea how many people he's slept with."

Dina said, "How many have you slept with?"

"It's none of your business. 4," Amy said. "2 of those were friends with benefits things that went on for months."

"So maybe you won," Dina said. "You definitely win if you end up dating Jonah before Adam's dating someone seriously. Plus, Jonah's pretty and 3 months younger than you and could be rich."

"Could be?"

"I know he's better off than the average Cloud 9 employee, but that might not be, you know, actually rich."

"He can just give away $500," Amy said. 

"Sure," Dina said. "But I'd still have to see who Adam is dating."

"I really have no idea. I mean, if it was serious, he would tell me. We have a deal about it. Like, if he's serious enough he wants to maybe introduce her to Emma, I have to meet her first," Amy said. "Same with me."

"Adam's already met Jonah," Dina said. 

"He thinks Jonah and I were having an affair," Amy said. "I think that's how he explains the divorce to himself, it's not that we failed as a couple and fell out of love, it's that Jonah seduced me."

"I can see that," Dina said. "When does he think you two started fucking, cause I would put it around the strike."

"We were never fucking, we have never fucked," Amy said.

Because Dina believed in rising early, they were among the first to arrive. They got their name tags and went to the big meeting hall. There were corporate types buzzing around. Amy said, "Let's just get seated."

"So you can put off the big moment when you two see each other and eyes meet and you see if he's totally over you and you're just a sad woman pining for what could have been." Dina nevertheless plopped down in the second row. 

Amy sat down next to her and got out her phone. She was playing a mah jongg game and let herself get engrossed in it. 

"Hey," someone said, touching her shoulder. Of course it was Jonah, she knew it was Jonah even before she turned her head. She knew his voice. So she still loved him, if she needed any confirmation. 

"Heeeey," she said. "Wow, here you are. Nice haircut." It didn't look any different from his hair 5 months ago. 

Jonah stood up and crossed his arms. "Thanks. Where's Dina?"

"I, I have no idea. I don't know when she left. I was playing mah jongg, you know, you match the identical tiles," Amy said. She wondered how much her voice sounded like Cheyenne's hysterical anxiety laughing. 

"I like those, I have one, there was this one mah jongg con I played obsessively before I flunked out of business school," Jonah said. "One time I got to level 10. It's pretty impressive."

"I believe you," Amy said. Dina came back and sat down next to Amy. 

"Hey, Jonah, how are you? Seeing anyone? This one's dying to know," Dina said with her characteristic courtesy.

"Uh, no," Jonah said. "It's good to see you, too, Dina." 

Then there was an announcement from the front that everyone should sit down. Jonah waved as he walked back a few rows. Amy kept her eyes forward. Dina said, "You're welcome, he's not seeing anyone. Also, he's sitting with another guy, black, 6 feet, no visible scars, must be the new assistant manager at Kirkwood. I miss Darryl. That guy would have a been real opponent in laser tag."

"Darryl's in jail for grand larceny," Amy said.

"Actually, no, it was election fraud. Can you believe that? So weird."

The opening was typically awful and incredibly dull. Then they went into break out sessions; small groups on important topics. Amy was really stoked to see she was going to be in Jonah's group.

The first vital topic was union busting. They called it something else but Jonah looked over at her with a familiar conspiratorial look. She heard Whitney Houston in her head singing about being so emotional. 

The union busting team lead noticed Amy was from 1217 and said, "You know all these kind of problems."

The chick from Richmond Heights said, "Those two were the cause of that problem." 

Amy smiled at Jonah and he smiled back, they were being smug for something that hadn't accomplished much. Now she could hear Jonah in her head being positive and optimistic. 

They didn't get chosen for any of the role-playing exercises. 

But they stayed sitting together for the next three sessions on loss prevention, shrinkage and being a leader. Jonah leaned forward in his seat for the last one, eager to learn. It was clear to Amy from his questions that he hadn't learned yet to be the bad news delivery guy. 

They even talked about it over lunch. They would have been joined by Dina but she was engrossed in berating the serving staff about not getting her vegan food. 

"You have to say no," Amy said. "Pretend to be Mateo."

"I know, I know," Jonah said. "I only got the job because I went to college."

"Graduated college," Amy said. "I still haven't done that. I should pay you back, I can do that slowly."

Jonah shook his head. "Nope," he said. "Let's call it a student loan. It's deferred until you graduate."

Amy frowned but accepted it. She said, "Tell me about the Kirkwood store. Did Darryl really get arrested for election fraud? Who does that?"

"Well, here in Missouri, Darryl. He stole five ballot boxes and set them on fire in the city council primary. He's not the smartest criminal. He set the fire in the Cloud 9 parking lot. So Derek who was shift supervisor is assistant manager and they put Mia as shift supervisor. She was great, like you. But then she got deported which is a travesty and a tragedy and now it's me."

"Ugh, I hate the world," Amy said.

"I know some undocumented people," Jonah said. "It's not fair."

"I know," Amy said. She was still taken aback, even now, the things that seemed new and awful to Jonah. He was a babe in the woods.

"We have a special Scott Bakula section," Jonah said. "He's from Kirkwood, you know. Quantum Leap, Enterprise, NCIS New Orleans, it's like an homage to his work. Men of a Certain Age which I had honestly never heard of until I started working there. I've watched it all now. Andre Braugher is basically great in everything, you know? Even the weak material. Plus, all of the movies Scott Bakula's been in. You'd think it would be in the DVD section, but actually it's more in the middle of the store, like it's own thing."

"I've seen that," Amy said. "Nice to know it's still there."

Then it was paintball time. Dina was clearly disgruntled to have Jonah on her team. "There's no fencing in paintball, Jonah."

"I've played paintball before," Jonah said.

Dina stuck with Derek, those two were getting along real well. Amy and Jonah made a pretty good team, in her estimation. She thought it was a little like a 90s romcom. A montage with fun pop music. Instead she mostly heard heavy panting and people grunting in pain when they got hit. In the end, Jonah, Amy, Dina and Derek were one of the very few left standing. There was a lot of high fiving. Dina said, "You were better than I thought."

"Which one of us are you addressing?" Amy looked at Dina and then over at Jonah.

"Whichever," Dina said. "Come back to the room to clean off with me, Amy."

Once they got there Dina grabbed Amy's bag and put it on her bed. "Start packing, I've already got plans for the night."

"You're kicking me out of my own room?"

"I'm kicking you out for Derek, we really hit it off. You can go to Jonah's."

"Oh, great, thanks," Amy said.

She took her bag with her to dinner and sat down with Jonah. "Are you giving up already?"

"Dina kicked me out," Amy said. "She's apparently going to be spending the night with your Derek."

"He's not my Derek. You know, Dina and Garrett are finally willing to admit they're friends, with benefits, but it'll be years before they're exclusive."

"I'm not seeing anyone at all," Amy said. "There was a friends with benefits guy, but he met someone he wanted to be more than friends with."

"Instead of you? That's stupid," Jonah said.

"He actually wasn't my type. Except in bed. He was really my type in bed," Amy said. "Sorry I didn't mean to say that."

"It's okay. I dated in the last few months, too," Jonah said.

"Garrett implied you hadn't," Amy said.

Jonah said, "I don't tell Garrett everything. It's kinda fun making him think I'm so sad he has to watch Jules et Jim with me. He complained, but I think he loved it."

"That's downright evil," Amy said.

Jonah made one of his feeling awkward faces. He said, "So, here we are."

"Could we go to your room? I don't mean like that, not a come on, but it feels weird hanging out at the dinner cafeteria with my overnight bag," Amy said. "Not a come on."

"Sure," Jonah said. "I just need to go in first and take down my little photo collage poster of you I carry everywhere. Derek was pretty cool about it."

"I assume you're joking, right?" He was clearly joking.

"I'm clearly joking," Jonah said. "It's of Mateo."

"That makes a lot more sense," Amy said. "I know you were super upset he wouldn't marry you."

"I really was," Jonah said, as they went up the stairs.

Amy looked up and down the corridor. At least three rooms had socks on the door. "Geez, I do not remember this being as much of a bangfest. Maybe because I was married."

"Which you aren't now," Jonah said.

"Nope," Amy said. Jonah and Derek's room looked exactly like the one Dina and Amy had been in. She went into the bathroom and noticed an open make up bag, or what she would call a make up bag. Clearly it was Jonah's, given the number of things she saw labeled "organic" or clearly handmade with hipster looking labels. _I bet Jonah's changed in some ways though._

Jonah was sitting on one of the beds, setting up his laptop. He said, "So, up for Netflix? Or Hulu? I have Amazon, too."

"Anything to avoid talking," Amy said.

"I didn't mean it like that," Jonah said. "I did, a little. I, well, you know, trying to get over you. I mean, I've dated other people. I had sex and didn't think of you at all, nothing gross like that."

"Right," Amy said. "Same. Not trying to get over you, but missing you while trying to get my head on straight. Or whatever. You know."

"How's Emma?" Jonah said.

"She's good. She uses her journal a lot. And hangs out with Isa once a week. I don't think Adam and I are perfect about keeping our anger at each other out of our general discussion, but we do okay. Emma seems okay. We still haven't sold the house, the appraiser said we have to do work on the damn foundation. But that's good for Emma, she likes the house. More than Adam's apartment, but that's no surprise. I guess Adam finally realized if you leave a mess and you don't have a wife, you have to clean the mess yourself. I wish I could be there every time," Amy said. "Okay, Netflix, sure."

Jonah smiled. He sat down next to her. "I really missed talking to you."

"You must have missed the complaining about Adam," Amy said.

"You almost never complained about Adam to me," Jonah said. "You weren't using me as some kind of sounding board for your problems."

"I know," Amy said. "I mean, right."

"I just mean, sure, we were maybe having an emotional affair, but I don't think you were doing anything consciously to get out of your marriage," Jonah said.

"Thanks for the validation?" Amy realized her thigh was very nearly touching Jonah's. She could shift over a little. She could even touch him.

"I had some guilt," Jonah said. "Like I did something to ruin your marriage, but now I don't."

"I'm so glad you feel better," Amy said. "But I'm willing to blame you for a little. Adam wants to blame you for a lot."

"Ha, you're both wrong," Jonah said, leaning back.

"I'll pass that along," Amy said. She couldn't stop looking at his face. She'd really missed his face. "I feel like I'm ready."

"For?"

"Are you going to make me say it?"

"Yes," Jonah said, smiling.

She nearly rolled her eyes. "I hope you packed a condom or two, because I propose we fuck right here, right after you close your laptop so I know you're not filming it."

"I would never film sex," Jonah said, springing up. He slammed the lid on his laptop and dug around in a plastic bag by Derek's bed. "He left us three."

"He left you three," Amy said. "So far this is really romantic. Isn't this like, the climax of our romance? The part where we come together in slow motion and there's a song playing and suddenly there's candles everywhere."

"I don't want to say this to you, but you sound like Dawson Leery. Or other characters on Dawson's Creek. That kind of self aware hip thing," Jonah said. He sat down next to her.

"That's just mean. I'm deflecting, I'm nervous," Amy said.

She didn't have a thing to be nervous about. Jonah pushed her down on the bed, opening her pants with one hand, pulling them down. He pushed up her shirt. He kissed her and she clung to the back of his neck, pulling him to her. "I love you," she said. "I know you said it first."

"I did," he said. "I still do."

She wiggled out of her pants and underwear, slipped her socks off. She took off her shirt and bra while Jonah was doing the same with his shirt, getting naked. "Do you have a tattoo?" Amy rubbed the top of his thigh. "Is this a tattoo?"

"It is, but thank god, I went to this really shitty place and it's fading. I was super drunk, it was high school," Jonah said. "It was supposed to be a tree. I don't even know what it is now."

"It's a bad tattoo," Amy said. She pressed her hand against it, felt his pulse jump. She took him in her mouth to really feel his pulse. She liked doing this now.

Jonah tried to pull out but she swallowed when he came. Then she immediately got up to brush her teeth and use Jonah's straight from the farmer's market mouthwash. He came up behind her and ran his hands up from her waist to her breasts. She closed her eyes. She said, "If we're going to fuck, then we need a condom, okay?"

"Of course," Jonah said.

He fucked from her behind while she held on to the sink. He made her come and fucked her through it, his breath so hot on her shoulder.

They regrouped for round two in his bed and then round three. "I can't believe we have to get up in the morning," Amy said.

"Yes, it's a tragedy. A brand new day," Jonah said.

"I think it's good," Amy said. "You might disagree, but I'm glad we waited, I freaked out, you got over me, and we came back to each other."

"I bike to work now, which I couldn't when I was at Ozark. That's what we call your store, Ozark," Jonah said. He was starting to fall asleep.

She woke up when the sun hit her eyes. Jonah had his hand in her hair. She inhaled and looked over at him. He was writing in a journal. "Did you have a dream?"

"I did," Jonah said. "I dreamed I was reading this graphic novel slash multimedia experience and one of the pages was titled 50 pictures of boobs, and that was exactly what was on the page, all these drawings of boobs."

"Worth recording that one," Amy said. "How much longer do we have before breakfast?"

"About an hour," Jonah said. He closed his journal and slipped it under his pillow. He rolled on his side so they were spooning. "My alarm is set for half an hour."

"Good plan," Amy said. "I still love you, even with the dream journal."

"Thank goodness," Jonah said. "I was a little worried."


End file.
